Most personality disorders begin as problems in personal development and character which peak during adolescence and then are defined as personality disorders. 

Personality disorders are not illnesses in a strict sense as they do not disrupt emotional, intellectual, or perceptual functioning.  However, those with personality disorders suffer a life that is not positive, proactive, or fulfilling.  Not surprisingly, personality disorders are also  associated with failures to reach potential.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Health Disorders DSM-IV-TR, published by the American Psychiatric Association, defines a personality disorder as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectation of the individual’s culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment.

 Currently, there are 10 distinct personality disorders identified in the DSM-IV:

• Antisocial Personality Disorder:  Lack of regard for the moral or legal standards in the local culture, marked inability to get along with others or abide by societal rules.  Sometimes called psychopaths or sociopaths.  Known as conduct disorder for persons under age 18.
• Avoidant Personality Disorder:  Marked social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and extremely sensitive to criticism.
• Borderline Personality Disorder:  Lack of one’s own identity, with rapid changes in mood, intense unstable interpersonal relationships, marked impulsively, instability in affect and in self image.
• Dependent Personality Disorder:  Extreme need of other people, to a point where the person is unable to make any decisions or take an independent stand on his or her own. Fear of separation and submissive behavior. Marked lack of decisiveness and self-confidence.
• Histrionic Personality Disorder:  Exaggerated and often inappropriate displays of emotional reactions, approaching theatricality, in everyday behavior. Sudden and rapidly shifting emotion expressions.
• Narcissistic Personality Disorder:  Behavior or a fantasy of grandiosity, a lack of empathy, a need to be admired by others, an inability to see the viewpoints of others, and hypersensitive to the opinions of others.
• Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder:  Characterized by perfectionism and inflexibility; preoccupation with uncontrollable patterns of thought and action.
• Paranoid Personality Disorder:  Marked distrust of others, including the belief, without reason, that others are exploiting, harming, or trying to deceive him or her; lack of trust; belief of others’ betrayal; belief in hidden meanings; unforgiving and grudge holding.
• Schizoid Personality Disorder:  Primarily characterized by a very limited range of emotion, both in expression of and experiencing; indifferent to social relationships.
• Schizotypal Personality Disorder:   Peculiarities of thinking, odd beliefs, and eccentricities of appearance,  behavior, interpersonal style, and thought (e.g., belief in psychic phenomena and having magical powers).

According to Dr. Sam Vaknin, self-proclaimed narcissist and author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited, individuals with personality disorders have many things in common:

• Self-centeredness that manifests itself through a me-first, self-preoccupied attitude
• Lack of individual accountability that results in a victim mentality and blaming others, society and the universe for their problems
• Lack of perspective-taking and empathy
• Manipulative and exploitative behavior
• Unhappiness, suffering from depression and other mood and anxiety disorders
• Vulnerability to other mental disorders, such as obsessive-compulsive tendencies and panic attacks
• Distorted or superficial understanding of self and others’ perceptions, being unable to see his or her objectionable, unacceptable, disagreeable, or self-destructive behaviors or the issues that may have contributed to the personality disorder
• Socially maladaptive, changing the rules of the game, introducing new variables, or otherwise influencing the external world to conform to their own needs
• No hallucinations, delusions or thought disorders (except for the brief psychotic episodes of Borderline Personality Disorder)

Vaknin does not propose a unified theory of psychopathology as there is still much to learn about the workings of the world and our place in it.  Each personality disorder shows its own unique manifestations through a story or narrative (see Metaphors of the Mind), but we do not have enough information or verifying capability to determine whether they spring from a common psychodynamic source.

It is important to note that some people diagnosed with borderline, antisocial, schizoid, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorders may be suffering from an underlying biological disturbance (anatomical, electrical, or neurochemical).  A strong genetic link has been found in antisocial and borderline personality disorders (see Genetics and Mental Disorders, The Chemistry of Personality and The Biology of Borderline Personality Disorder).

Treatment of Personality Disorders

Dr. David B. Adams of Atlanta Medical Psychology says that therapists have the most difficulties with those suffering from personality disorders. They are difficult to please, block effective communication, avoid development of a trusting relationship, [and] cannot be relied upon for accurate history regarding problems or how problems arose (The Psychological Letter, February 2000).

According to the Surgeon General, mental disorders are treatable.  An armamentarium of efficacious treatments is available to ameliorate symptoms . . . Most treatments fall under two general categories, psychosocial and pharmacological.  Moreover, the combination of the two — known as multimodal therapy — can sometimes be even more effective than each individually. (See Mental Health: A Report of the Surgeon General)

By reading the DSM-IV’s definition of personality disorders, it seems that these conditions are not treatable.  However, when individuals choose to be in control of their lives and are committed to changing their lives, healing is possible.  Therapy and medication may help, but it is the individual’s decision to take accountability for his or her own life that makes the difference.

To heal, individuals must first have the desire to change in order to break through that enduring pattern of a personality disorder.  Individuals need to want to gain insight into and face their inner experience and behavior.  (These issues may concern severe or repeated trauma during childhood, such as abuse.)

This involves changing their thinking – about themselves, their relationships, and the world.  This also involves changing their behavior, as action reflects the learned internal changes.

Then, with a support system (e.g., therapy, self-help groups, friends, family), they can free themselves from their imprisoned life.

by Linda Lebelle

Research suggests that problems are more likely to occur during a transitional year, such as moving from elementary to middle school, or middle school to high school.

Some adolescents are able to get through this time with minimal assistance from their parents or teachers.  It may be enough for a parent to be available simply to listen and suggest coping strategies, provide a supportive home environment, and encourage the child’s participation in school activities. 

However, when the difficulties last longer than a single grading period, or are linked to a long-term pattern of poor school performance or behavior problems, parents and teachers need to intervene.

Identifying Adolescents Who Are At Risk for Failure

Some “at-risk” indicators, such as those listed here, may represent persistent problems from the early elementary school years for some children.  Other students may overcome early difficulties but begin to experience related problems during middle school or high school.  For others, some of these indicators may become noticeable only in early adolescence.

To intervene effectively, parents and teachers can be aware of some common indicators of an adolescent at risk for school failure, including:

• Attention problems as a young child – the student has a school history of attention issues or disruptive behavior.

• Multiple retentions in grade – the student has been retained one or more years.

• Poor grades – the student consistently performs at barely average or below average levels.

• Absenteeism – the student is absent five or more days per term.

• Lack of connection with the school – the student is not involved in sports, music, or other school-related extracurricular activities.

• Behavior problems – the student may be frequently disciplined or show a sudden change in school behavior, such as withdrawing from class discussions.

• Lack of confidence – the student believes that success is linked to native intelligence rather than hard work, and believes that his or her own ability is insufficient, and nothing can be done to change the situation.

• Limited goals for the future – the student seems unaware of available career options or how to attain those goals.

When more than one of these attributes characterizes an adolescent, the student will likely need assistance from both parents and teachers to complete his or her educational experience successfully.  Girls, and students from culturally or linguistically diverse groups, may be especially at risk for academic failure if they exhibit these behaviors.  Stepping back and letting these students “figure it out” or “take responsibility for their own learning” may lead to a deeper cycle of failure within the school environment.

Teens Want To Feel Connected to Their Family and Their School

In a recent survey, when students were asked to evaluate their transitional years, they indicated interest in connecting to their new school and requested more information about extracurricular activities, careers, class schedules, and study skills.  Schools that develop programs that ease transitions for students and increase communication between schools may be able to reduce student failure rates.

The Role of Parenting Style

Parenting style may have an impact on the child’s school behavior.  Many experts distinguish among permissive, authoritarian, and authoritative parenting styles.  These parenting styles are associated with different combinations of warmth, support, and limit-setting and supervision for children.

The permissive style tends to emphasize warmth and neglect limit-setting and supervision; the authoritarian style tends to emphasize the latter and not the former; while the authoritative style is one in which parents offer warmth and support, and limit-setting and supervision.  When the authoritative parenting style is used, the adolescent may be more likely to experience academic success.

It is important to remember that adolescents need their parents not only to set appropriate expectations and boundaries, but also to advocate for them.

Parents — and teachers — can assist teens by:

• Making the time to listen to and try to understand the teen’s fears or concerns

• Setting appropriate boundaries for behavior that are consistently enforced

• Encouraging the teen to participate in one or more school activities

• Attending school functions, such as sports, and plays

• Meeting as a team, including parents, teachers, and school counselor, asking how they can support the teen’s learning environment, and sharing their expectations for the child’s future

• Arranging tutoring or study group support for the teen from the school or the community through organizations such as the local YMCA or a local college or university

• Providing a supportive home and school environment that clearly values education

• Helping the teen think about career options by arranging for visits to local companies and colleges, picking up information on careers and courses, and encouraging an internship or career-oriented part-time job

• Encouraging the teen to volunteer in the community or to participate in community groups such as the YMCA, Scouting, 4-H, religious organizations, or other service-oriented groups to provide an out-of-school support system

• Emphasizing the importance of study skills, hard work, and follow-through

Don’t Give Up on Your Child

Understanding the factors that may put an adolescent at-risk for academic failure will help parents determine if their teen is in need of extra support.  Above all, parents need to persevere.  The teen years do pass, and most adolescents survive them, in spite of bumps along the way.

Being aware of common problems can help parents know when it is important to reach out and ask for help before a difficult time develops into a more serious situation.

Is this the true meaning of love, bonding, coupling?

Do we simply get used to other human beings, pets, or objects?

Habit-forming in humans is reflexive.  We change ourselves and our environment in order to attain maximum comfort and well being.  It is the effort that goes into these adaptive processes that forms a habit.  The habit is intended to prevent us from constant experimenting and risk taking.  The greater our well being, the better we function and the longer we survive.

Actually, when we get used to something or to someone – we get used to ourselves.  In the object of the habit we see a part of our history, all the time and effort that we put into it.  It is an encapsulated version of our acts, intentions, emotions and reactions.  It is a mirror reflecting back at us that part in us, which formed the habit.  Hence, the feeling of comfort:  we really feel comfortable with our own selves through the agency of the object of our habit.

Because of this, we tend to confuse habits with identity.  If asked WHO they are, most people will resort to describing their habits.  They will relate to their work, their loved ones, their pets, their hobbies, or their material possessions.  Yet, all of these cannot constitute part of an identity because their removal does not change the identity that we are seeking to establish when we enquire WHO someone is.  They are habits and they make the respondent comfortable and relaxed.  But they are not part of identity in the truest, deepest sense.

Still, it is this simple mechanism of deception that binds people together.  A mother feels that her offspring are part of her identity because she is so used to them that her well being depends on their existence and availability.  Thus, any threat to her children is interpreted to mean a threat on her Self.  Her reaction is, therefore, strong and enduring and can be recurrently elicited.

The truth, of course, is that her children are a part of her identity in a superficial manner.  Removing them will make her a different person, but only in the shallow, phenomenological sense of the word.  Her deep-set, true identity will not change as a result.  Children do die at times and their mother does go on living, essentially unchanged.

But what is this kernel of identity that I am referring to?  This immutable entity which is the definition of who we are and what we are and which, ostensibly, is not influenced by the death of our loved ones?  What is so strong as to resist the breaking of habits that die hard?

It is our personality.  This elusive, loosely interconnected, interacting, pattern of reactions to our changing environment.  Like the Brain, it is difficult to define or to capture.  Like the Soul, many believe that it does not exist, that it is a fictitious convention.  Yet, we know that we do have a personality.  We feel it, we experience it.  It sometimes encourages us to do things – at other times, as much as prevents us from doing them.  It can be supple or rigid, benign or malignant, open or closed.  Its power lies in its looseness.  It is able to combine, recombine and permute in hundreds of unforeseeable ways.  It metamorphizes and the constancy of its rate and kind of change is what gives us a sense of identity.

Actually, when the personality is rigid to the point of being unable to change in reaction to changing circumstances, we say that it is disordered.  A personality disorderis the ultimate misidentification.  The individual mistakes his habits for his identity.  He identifies himself with his environment, taking behavioral, emotional, and cognitive cues exclusively from it.  His inner world is, so to speak, vacated, inhabited, as it were, by the apparition of his True Self.

Such a person is incapable of loving and of living.  He is incapable of loving because to love (at least according to this model) is to equate and collate two distinct entities: one’s Self and one’s habits.  The personality disordered sees no distinction.  He is his habits and, therefore, by definition, can only rarely and with an incredible amount of exertion, change them.

And, in the long term, he is incapable of living because life is a struggle towards, a striving, a drive at something.  In other words:  Life is Change.  The person who cannot change, cannot live.

by Dr. Sam Vaknin,

author of Malignant Self Love – Narcissism Revisited

Helping Others Cope With Grief

It’s part of life.  Someone special died today.  Someone’s father or mother, husband or wife, son or daughter.  A family, a lifetime of memories and a lot of pain are left behind.  And, for the survivors, the pain is just beginning.  Working through that pain and sadness is often a long and grueling process called mourning.

Almost everyone worries about what to say to the survivors.  You don’t want to hurt their feelings or upset them.  But more important than knowing what to say is knowing how to listen.  You cannot take away the pain that friends or co-workers are suffering from the loss of a loved one, but you can listen to their stories.  Storytelling is a very common and effective way for the grieving person to keep the memory of a loved one alive.  The biggest fear for someone in mourning is that those around them will forget the loved one now that they are gone.

It is helpful to allow the survivors to “tell the story” about how their loved one died.  At first, they will recount minute details, but with each retelling, the story typically gets shorter.  Each time they tell it, it becomes part of acknowledging and accepting the reality of the death.

If the subject of death makes you uncomfortable, understand that most people feel the same way.  But realize that there is a real need for the survivor to talk.  Don’t worry about being conversational.  It is simply more important to listen.

Let those who are grieving know that you are thinking of them and of the loved one that has passed away.  Let them know that you are praying for them and their families.  A card can let someone know you are thinking of him or her.  A visit or a phone call to listen would even be a better idea.

Some people listen best over a plate of cookies, a glass of tea or milk, and some time set aside to concentrate one-on-one with the person who is grieving.  Whatever your style, by simply listening, we can help others cope with their grief.

Teens who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

• an extended period of depression in which the teen loses interest in daily activities and events

• inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone

• acting much younger for an extended period

• excessively imitating the dead person

• repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person

• withdrawal from friends

• sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

• lack of concentration

• declining grades

• over-activity, acting too busy

• drug and/or alcohol use

• risk-taking behavior

• promiscuity

• self-destructive, antisocial, or criminal behavior

• suicidal thoughts

These warning signs indicate that professional help may be needed.  Child and adolescent therapists can help youth accept the death and assist the survivors in helping through the mourning process.

by Sharon Strouse, Family and Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University

Peer Influence & Peer Relationships

Teens want to be with people their own age — their peers.  During adolescence, teens spend more time with their peers and without parental supervision.  With peers, teens can be both connected and independent, as they break away from their parents’ images of them and develop identities of their own.

While many families help teens in feeling proud and confident of their unique traits, backgrounds, and abilities, peers are often more accepting of the feelings, thoughts, and actions associated with the teen’s search for self-identity. 

Positive Peer Pressure

The ability to develop healthy friendships and peer relationships depends on a teen’s self-identity, self-esteem, and self-reliance.

At its best, peer pressure can mobilize your teen’s energy, motivate for success, and encourage your teen to conform to healthy behavior.  Peers can and do act as positive role models.  Peers can and do demonstrate appropriate social behaviors.  Peers often listen to, accept, and understand the frustrations, challenges, and concerns associated with being a teenager.

Negative Peer Pressure

The need for acceptance, approval, and belonging is vital during the teen years. Teens who feel isolated or rejected by their peers  — or in their family — are more likely to engage in risky behaviors in order to fit in with a group.  In such situations, peer pressure can impair good judgment and fuel risk-taking behavior, drawing a teen away from the family and positive influences and luring into dangerous activities.

For example, teens with ADHD, learning differences or disabilities are often rejected due to their age-inappropriate behavior, and thus are more likely to associate with other rejected and/or delinquent peers.  Some experts believe that teenage girls frequently enter into sexual relationships when what they are seeking is acceptance, approval, and love.

A powerful negative peer influence can motivate a teen to make choices and engage in behavior that his or her values might otherwise reject.  Some teens will risk being grounded, losing their parents’ trust, or even facing jail time, just to try and fit in or feel like they have a group of friends they can identify with and who accept them.  Sometimes, teens will change the way they dress, their friends, give up their values or create new ones, depending on the people they hang around with.

Some teens harbor secret lives governed by the influence of their peers.  Some — including those who appear to be well-behaved, high-achieving teens when they are with adults — engage in negative, even dangerous behavior when with their peers. 

Once influenced, teens may continue the slide into problems with the law, substance abuse, school problems, authority defiance, gang involvement, etc.

If your teen associates with people who are using drugs or displaying self-destructive behaviors, then your child is probably doing the same.

Encourage Healthy and Positive Relationships

It is important to encourage friendships among teens.  We all want our children to be with persons who will have a positive influence, and stay away from persons who will encourage or  engage in harmful, destructive, immoral, or illegal activities.

Parents can support positive peer relationships by giving their teenagers their love, time, boundaries, and encouragement to think for themselves.

Specifically, parents can show support by:

• Having a positive relationship with your teen.  When parent-teen interactions are characterized by warmth, kindness, consistency, respect, and love, the relationship will flourish, as will the teen’s self-esteem, mental health, spirituality, and social skills.

• Being genuinely interested in your teen’s activities.  This allows parents to know their teen’s friends and to monitor behavior, which is crucial in keeping teens out of trouble.  When misbehavior does occur, parents who have involved their children in setting family rules and consequences can expect less flack from their children as they calmly enforce the rules.  Parents who, together with their children, set firm boundaries and high expectations may find that their children’s abilities to live up to those expectations grow.

• Encouraging independent thought and expression.  In this way, teens can develop a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.

When Parents Don’t Approve

You may not be comfortable about your son or daughter’s choice of friends or peer group.  This may be because of their image, negative attitudes, or serious behaviors (such as alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors).

Here are some suggestions:

• Get to know the friends of your teen.  Learn their names, invite them into your home so you can talk and listen to them, and introduce yourself to their parents.

• Do not attack your child’s friends.  Remember that criticizing your teen’s choice of friends is like a personal attack.

• Help your teen understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he or she is).

• Keep the lines of communication open and find out why these friends are important to your teenager.

• Check whether your concerns about their friends are real and important.

• If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behavior and choices — not the friends.

• Encourage your teen’s independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.

• Let your teen know of your concerns and feelings.

• Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.

• Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he or she must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence)

And you must ensure that your teen knows that he or she is loved and valued as an individual at home.

What Should I Know About My Teenager’s Emotional Health?

The teenage years are a time of transition from childhood into adulthood.  Teens often struggle with being dependent on their parents while having a strong desire to be independent.  Ideally, they are maturing from the one-sided self-centeredness of childhood to a self-identity that balances responsible self-interest with care and love for others.

What Are The Characteristics of Emotionally Healthy People?

People who are emotionally healthy view all that they do and say in light of how their words and actions affect others.  They do not manipulate, exploit, or abuse others.  They understand that the world does not revolve around them. They are not self-absorbed and they don’t feel entitled.  They recognize their self-centered nature but choose to value their relationship with God and others over their own self-interest.  Because of this, they are less likely to suffer from depression or anxiety.

Emotionally healthy people accept personal responsibility for their behavior and their choices.  There is no victim mentality, no blaming others, society and the universe for their problems or disappointments.  They realize that they are in charge of their lives — responsible for every action, word and thought, and accountable for the resulting consequences.

People who are emotionally healthy experience, acknowledge, identify, and accept their own emotions.  This means that they are open to their feelings and are aware of what they are actually feeling. They don’t distract themselves from their emotions through hiding or numbing themselves with obsessive behaviors (e.g., drug and alcohol use, sex, self-injury, gambling, work, hobbies, Internet use).  Those who are not in touch with their own feelings are not likely to have a sense of conscience.

Because emotionally healthy people are in touch with their feelings, they can identify with others’ feelings — they show empathy.  It’s necessary to not only “get into the shoes,” but get “into the heart and soul” of another.  To do that, the person must put the need for acknowledgement of his or her own emotions on hold.  Being able to correctly and comprehensively read another person’s emotional messages empowers them to intuitively identify with the person.  Emotionally healthy people are able to imaginatively insert themselves in other people’s situations and experience them intimately.  In turn, they are able to feel and make a compassionate response.

What Can I Do to Help My Teen?

Working on your own emotional health and communicating your love for your teen are the most important things you can do.  Children decide how they feel about themselves in large part by how their parents behave and react to them.  It’s also important to discuss your values and spiritual beliefs, and to set expectations and boundaries (e.g., honesty, self-control, respect for others), while still allowing teenagers to have their own space.

Parents of teens often find themselves noticing only the problems, and they may get in the habit of giving mostly negative feedback and criticism.  Although teens need feedback, they respond better when it is given positively and spoken with love.

Acknowledging and praising appropriate, responsible, and caring  behavior can help your teen feel a sense of accomplishment, enhance self-esteem, and reinforce your family’s values.

Young people who don’t complete high school face many more problems in later life than do people who graduate. While national leaders have demanded that schools, communities, and families make a major effort to retain students, the dropout rate remains high. A report from the Educational Testing Service, One-Third of a Nation: Rising Dropout Rates and Declining Opportunities, warns little is being done to stem rising dropout rates and their economic costs. This report also found:

From 1990 to 2000, the high school completion rate declined in all but seven states. In 10 states, it declined by 8 percentage points or more.

In high school completion rates, the United States has now slipped to 10th place in the world.

On average, only one certified counselor is available for each 500 students in all schools, and one counselor to 285 students in high schools. And they have many assignments that leave little time to spend with students at risk of dropping out.

A “bulge” in enrollments in Grade 9 indicates more students nationally are being flunked to repeat Grade 9. This may be reflected in the significant shift toward younger, less educated dropouts than in the past, that face more difficulty in getting jobs.

In 1971, male dropouts, working full time, earned $35,087 (in 2002 dollars), falling to $23,903 in 2002, a decline in earnings of 35 percent. Earnings for female dropouts fell from $19,888 to $17,114.

There has been a shift in the awarding of GED credentials to younger individuals, and the program has been revised to make it more rigorous.

Franklin P. Schargel, Tony Thacker, and John S. Bell, authors of From At Risk to Academic Excellence: What Successful Leaders Do, believe that America’s schools can improve and present examples of excellence — educational leaders who firmly believe that all children can succeed, schools that effectively meet the needs of nontraditional learners, and educational communities that don’t give up on students who are at risk of dropping out. In their book, the authors identify individual risk factors — personal characteristics, habits, and experience; family situations; and peer and community relationships — and then address the factors over which school leaders can more directly influence — school climate and culture, school connectedness, school safety, attendance, and school achievement.

Risk Factors of Dropping Out

Previous School Experience

Absent 20 or more times during the previous school year

Retained in at least one grade

Low grades (Cs and Ds or below)

Disciplinary problems or disruptive behavior

Has attended five or more schools during a lifetime

Personal or Psychological Characteristics

External locus of control (i.e., being in agreement with others’ perceptions — believed or actual — of their individual ability, worth, or value)

Low self-esteem

At least one disability (e.g., ADHD, learning disabilities)

Poor peer support

Depression or other emotional problems

Early sexual activity or promiscuity

Substance abuse

Adult and Family Responsibilities of Student

Has a child

Must work to help support the family

Family Background and Cohesion

Single-parent home

Permissive parenting

Poor parent-child relationships

Family receives public assistance

Neither parent nor guardian is employed

Primary language of the family is not English

A sibling has dropped out of school

Parent(s) did not graduate from high school

Parental discipline, monitoring, concern, encouragement, and consistency have also be linked to academic achievement. Children whose parents consistently set high standards work harder and do better in school. Additionally, an authoritative parenting style, characterized by warmth and concern coupled with boundaries (i.e., clear rules and limits), has been shown to have a positive effect on academic achievement.

School-Caused Risk Factors

Ineffective discipline system

Overburdened school counselors

Negative school climate

Retention and/or suspensions used to control discipline, rather than addressing causes

Disregarding student learning styles

Passive instructional strategies

Lack of relevant curriculum

Low expectations of student achievement

Fear of school violence

Excerpted from From At Risk to Academic Excellence: What Successful Leaders Do by Franklin P. Schargel, Tony Thacker, and John S. Bell.

What Parents and Teachers Should Know

In a 2001 study by the Kaiser Foundation in conjunction with Nickelodeon TV network and Children Now, 86% of children ages 12-15 interviewed said they get teased or bullied at school — making bullying more prevalent than smoking, alcohol, drugs, or sex among the same age group.

What is bullying?

Bullying is abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. It can be a direct attack — teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion, and stealing — or more subtle through malicious gossiping, spreading rumors, and intentional exclusion. Both result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated.

Boys tend to use physical intimidation or threats, regardless of the gender of their victims. Bullying by girls is more often verbal, usually with another girl as the target. Cyber-bullying by both boys and girls — in online chat rooms, e-mail, and text-messaging — is increasing.

Bullying is a common experience for many children and teens. Direct bullying seems to increase through the elementary school years, peak in the middle school/junior high school years, and decline during the high school years. Although direct physical assault seems to decrease with age, verbal abuse appears to remain constant.

Whether the bullying is direct or indirect, the key component of bullying is physical or psychological intimidation that occurs repeatedly over time to create an ongoing pattern of harassment and abuse.

Who bullies?

Students who engage in bullying behaviors seem to have a need to feel powerful and in control. They appear to derive satisfaction from inflicting injury and suffering on others, seem to have little empathy for their victims, and often defend their actions by saying that their victims provoked them in some way.

Bullies often come from homes in which physical punishment is used, where striking out physically is a way to handle problems, and where parental involvement and warmth are frequently lacking.

Students who regularly display bullying behaviors are generally defiant or oppositional toward adults, antisocial, and apt to break school rules.

Bullies appear to have little anxiety and to possess strong self-esteem. There is little evidence to support the contention that bullies victimize others because they feel bad about themselves.

Chronic bullies seem to continue their behaviors into adulthood, negatively influencing their ability to develop and maintain positive relationships, and can experience legal or criminal troubles as adults.

Bystanders also play a role in bullying:

the assistant who joins the bully

the re-enforcer who encourages the bully by observing and laughing

outsiders who avoid the bullying by staying away and not getting involved for fear of losing social status or being bullied as well

If you suspect your child is bullying others, it’s important to seek help for him or her as soon as possible. Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties. Talk to your child’s pediatrician, teacher, principal, school counselor, or family physician. If the bullying continues, a comprehensive evaluation by a mental health professional should be arranged. The evaluation can help you and your child understand what is causing the bullying, and help you develop a plan to stop the destructive behavior.

Who gets bullied?

Victims of bullying may be anxious, insecure, and cautious and suffer from low self-esteem, rarely defending themselves or retaliating when confronted by students who bully them. They may lack social skills and friends and thus are often already socially isolated. Victims tend to be close to their parents and may have parents who can be described as overprotective.

Victims of bullies often fear school and consider it to be an unsafe and unhappy place. Victims will often stay home ’sick’ rather than go to school or travel on the school bus.

Victims experience real suffering that can interfere with their social and emotional development, as well as their school performance. Some victims of bullying have attempted suicide rather than continue to endure such harassment and abuse. Other victims have taken out their anger and frustration in violence. Most of the young people who have caused school-related violent deaths have been victims of bullying. Experts, pointing to such tragic events as Columbine, agree that bullying can lead to serious violence, including murder and suicide.

If you suspect your child may be the victim of bullying ask him or her to tell you what’s going on. It’s important to respond in a positive and accepting manner. Let your child know it’s not his or her fault, and that he or she did the right thing by telling you. Ask your child what he or she thinks should be done. What’s already been tried? What worked and what didn’t? Help your child practice what to say to the bully so he or she will be prepared the next time.

Other specific suggestions include the following:

Know the school policies that protect students from harassment, bullying, and physical violence. All students have the right to a safe and secure learning environment. Get copies of these policies and procedures.

Seek help from your child’s teacher, the school guidance counselor, and school administrators — and hold them accountable for following school policy. Most bullying occurs on playgrounds, in lunchrooms, and bathrooms, on school buses or in unsupervised halls. Ask the school administrators to find out about programs other schools and communities have used to help combat bullying, such as peer mediation, conflict resolution, anger management training, and increased adult supervision.

Notify the police if your child is assaulted. Get a restraining order so that the bully is required by law to have no contact with your child.

If school officials and the police do not follow policy or laws, take legal action.

If your child becomes withdrawn, depressed, reluctant to go to school, or if you see a decline in school performance, additional consultation or intervention may be required.

A mental health professional can help your child and family and the school develop a strategy to deal with the bullying. Seeking professional assistance earlier can lessen the risk of lasting emotional consequences for your child.

Why don’t young people tell adults?

Students typically feel that adult intervention is infrequent and ineffective and that telling adults will only bring more harassment from bullies.

Students are also reluctant to tell teachers or school staff as many adults view bullying as a harmless rite of passage that is best ignored unless verbal and psychological intimidation crosses the line into physical assault or theft.

What can adults do to stop the bullying?

Combating bullying is a mission that requires cooperation between everyone involved. Parents, the school, and the community must work together to stop bullying. A comprehensive intervention plan that involves all students, parents, and school staff can help ensure that all students can learn in a safe and fear-free environment.

This can include school surveys on bullying to identify the problem, awareness campaigns in schools, churches, places of worship, libraries, and recreation centers, and a school climate where bullying is not tolerated (educational programs, peer counseling, whole-school policies, classroom rules, cooperative learning activities, increased supervision during lunch and recess).

Information provided by Ron Banks, ERIC/EECE Publications, Digests EDO-PS-97-17.

by Linda Lebelle

Karen is a 9th-grader and has been feeling that nothing is worth it anymore. As hard as she tries, she just doesn’t seem to fit in. The day before she had tried out for the school play, but when she got on stage, she froze up and just stopped in the middle of her audition. Now, everyone in the school must know about it and Karen is sure they’re laughing at her. She’ll never let them know how bad she feels. She knows what they’re thinking and they’re right — she isn’t good enough and she’ll never fit in. Karen hates them all.

Chris punched his fist into the bedroom wall. But it wasn’t enough. He picked up his soda can and threw it into the hall. The brown sugary liquid dripped down the walls and onto the carpeting. “You can’t make me!” he screamed. “I’m not going anywhere with you! I’ll do what I want!” Chris ran down the stairs and out the front door. His father ran after him, yelling at him to get back in the house, but he had already gotten into his car and sped away. Chris was so mad at his father. He had better things to do than go visit family. He and his friends had plans, and his father wasn’t going to run his life. He knew he’d feel better when he smoked some weed.

What do these young people have in common?

They’re battling with anger. They are not getting what they want and things are not the way they think they should be. They are feeling intense displeasure or antagonism toward someone or something that comes with the realization that things are not always in their control.

Anger is a feeling; not a behavior.

Anger takes many forms — from indignation and resentment to rage and fury — and it is the expressions of the forms of anger — the behavior — that we see. Katie represses her anger and withdraws. Chris is defiant and destroys property. They will continue their behavior, or it may escalate, until they decide to look within themselves to the roots of their anger.

Anger can be harmful or healthy.

Anger is a frightening emotion. Its negative expressions can include physical abuse, verbal violence, prejudice, malicious gossip, antisocial behavior, sarcasm, addictions, withdrawal, and psychosomatic disorders. This can devastate lives — destroying relationships, harming others, disrupting work, clouding effective thinking, affecting physical health, and ruining futures.

But, there is a positive aspect — it can show us that a problem exists, as anger is usually a secondary emotion brought on by fear. It can motivate us to resolve those things that are not working in our lives and help us face our issues and deal with the underlying reasons for the anger, such as abuse, grief, and trauma.

Being a parent of an angry teen brings up the anger in ourselves.

Teenagers face a lot of emotional issues during this period of development. They’re faced with questions of identity, separation, relationships, and purpose. The relationship between teens and their parents is also changing as teens become more and more independent.

This can bring about frustration and confusion that leads to anger and a pattern of reactive behavior for both parents and teens. Unless we work to change our own behavior, we cannot help teens change theirs. We need to respond rather than react to each other and to situations. The intention is not to deny the anger, but to control that emotion and express it in a proactive way.

What can we do for our teen and for ourselves?

The first step to identifying and managing anger is to look within ourselves. Parents and teens can ask these questions of themselves to bring about self-awareness:

Where does this anger come from?

What situations bring out this feeling of anger?

Do my thoughts begin with absolutes such as “must,” “should,” “never,” “if only?”

Are my expectations unreasonable?

What unresolved conflict am I facing?

Am I reacting to hurt, loss, or fear?

Am I aware of anger’s physical signals (e.g., clenching fists, shortness of breath, sweating)?

How do I choose to express my anger?

To whom or what is my anger directed?

Am I using anger as a way to isolate myself, or as a way to intimidate others?

Am I communicating effectively?

Am I focusing on what has been done to me rather than what I can do?

How am I accountable for what I’m feeling?

How am I accountable for how my anger shows up?

Do my emotions control me, or do I control my emotions?

Listen to your teen and focus on feelings. Try to understand the situation from your child’s perspective. Blaming and accusing only builds up more walls and ends all communication. Tell how you feel, stick to facts, and deal with the present moment. Practice relaxation and meditation. Show that you care and show your love. Work towards a solution where everyone wins. Remember that anger is the feeling and behavior is the choice.

Seek professional help for your teen, yourself, and your family when the behavior is not just a temporary response to a frustrating situation and when there is abuse, violence, chronic hostility, depression, or a risk of suicide.

They need to be respected for taking on these tasks. After all, we respect adults who can do these things. They are complicated and courageous actions.

But teenagers swing back and forth between dependence and independence as they work on these tasks. It’s easy for parents to get frustrated. And it’s easy for a parent to assume that if the teenager would simply follow the plan that makes sense to a parent, things would be all right in the end.

Life is not so simple, of course — not for teenagers and not for adults. In many ways, adults carry on the very same tasks of growth and development themselves — after adolescence. Adults, however, usually have a greater sense of who they are — what they value, what they need, and how best to get what they need — than do teenagers.

False starts, mistakes, poor judgment, or impulsive action are part of growing up. And like teenagers, adults encounter these same challenges. It’s just that adults are usually better prepared to meet the challenges.

The main tasks of adolescence require teenagers to learn, and this kind of learning is not just a matter of getting the right answer. Most important is to understand the meaning of the right answer. And maybe “the right answer” is something that teenagers need to build up, responsibly, from lessons of experience. This is truly difficult work and it absolutely requires support from parents, relatives, and neighbors.

To help adolescents grow up, parents need to be aware of their own growth. Everyone who is alive is changing, growing, and developing. It’s easy for a middle-aged adult to forget this fact, especially when confronted with a difficult teenage problem. But parents who are working on their own growth are in a good position to understand teenagers and to respect what they are doing in the struggle to grow up and become good people in their own right.