To bring positive change, you must take an honest look at your child’s behavior and your family situation. You may or may not know the underlying issue for your child’s behavior. Your child might have a diagnosed disorder (such as bipolar disorder) — or not. That’s not the point.

The point is to look at the situation straight in the eye and be honest with what’s really going on with your teen and in your home. No excuses, no minimizing, no rationalizing, no placing the blame on others, no ignoring and hoping that somehow everything will get better. Because if you avoid being honest, things won’t get better. They’ll get worse. You need to face reality as it is – not as it was or as you wish it to be. Then, you can begin moving forward, constructing a workable, realistic plan to help your teen and heal your family.

What You Can Do

Admitting the reality is not the same as accepting it. When you admit what’s going on, you realize it intellectually. When you accept the situation in your heart, then you become empowered to help your teen and heal your family. Here are some things you can do to help face, admit, and accept the reality of your teen’s behavior and your family’s situation:

• Learn all you can about your teen’s behaviors — lying, drinking, drug use, self-injury, eating disorders, etc.

• Listen to the people who know your teen — family, friends, teachers, coaches. Let them give you their perspective. Hear their concerns and consider them.

• Listen to your teen without interruption and without condemnation so you can understand the feelings behind the words.

• Reach out and get support — from friends, family, a coach and/or counselor, health professionals, support groups.. You are not alone and you cannot do this alone. Commit to ongoing support and guidance.

Do you excuse your teen’s behavior as being a result of misunderstanding, stress, influence of others, or a diagnosis such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety or a personality disorder?

Making excuses is shifting the blame onto something or someone else. No matter the diagnosis or underlying issue, by making excuses you’re giving your teen permission not to be accountable for his/her actions and allowing your teen to continue harmful and hurtful behavior.Teens need to understand that their behavior has consequences. That’s the way people learn and grow in maturity. That’s the way teens grow up.

Making excuses brings about more dysfunctional behavior such as keeping secrets, lying, covering up mistakes, and “rescuing” from consequences. The message your teen gets is not only that it’s alright to continue destructive and self-centered behavior, but that you believe he/she is incapable of making responsible choices and behaving with integrity and compassion.

The job of parents and other involved adults (e.g., family friends, extended family, teachers, youth workers) is to guide a child to adulthood, to ingrain values, to model healthy relationships, to show how to live in community, and to see new ideas, ideals, goals, and independence emerge. Give your teen understanding, support, time, and structure — not excuses.

What you can do!

Allow your teen to do what he/she is capable of doing. Stop taking over your teen’s responsibilities. Your teen must take responsibility for the problems caused by his/her choices. Be honest. Don’t ignore any lies, such as minimizing poor behavior. Speak the truth and, when you do, speak it not in anger or condemnation – speak the truth in love.

Don’t accept blame or guilt. You may have made some poor decisions, been ignorant of a situation or in denial. However, your teen owns his/her choices, attitudes, and behaviors and, ultimately, is the one who will decide to turn his/her life around.

Get support. You will benefit from the help of a counselor or life coach. Attending a support group, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), will empower and motivate you. Learning practical strategies of maintaining and instilling boundaries will bring stability and security in the home, classroom, or treatment center.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to — and place importance on — your feelings, wants, and needs. Eat healthy foods, spend time outdoors, and get enough sleep. Surround yourself with people who respect and like you. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You can’t help others if you’re not taking care of yourself first.

What Parents and Teachers Should Know

In a 2001 study by the Kaiser Foundation in conjunction with Nickelodeon TV network and Children Now, 86% of children ages 12-15 interviewed said they get teased or bullied at school — making bullying more prevalent than smoking, alcohol, drugs, or sex among the same age group.

What is bullying?

Bullying is abusive behavior by one or more students against a victim or victims. It can be a direct attack — teasing, taunting, threatening, stalking, name-calling, hitting, making threats, coercion, and stealing — or more subtle through malicious gossiping, spreading rumors, and intentional exclusion. Both result in victims becoming socially rejected and isolated.

Boys tend to use physical intimidation or threats, regardless of the gender of their victims. Bullying by girls is more often verbal, usually with another girl as the target. Cyber-bullying by both boys and girls — in online chat rooms, e-mail, and text-messaging — is increasing.

Bullying is a common experience for many children and teens. Direct bullying seems to increase through the elementary school years, peak in the middle school/junior high school years, and decline during the high school years. Although direct physical assault seems to decrease with age, verbal abuse appears to remain constant.

Whether the bullying is direct or indirect, the key component of bullying is physical or psychological intimidation that occurs repeatedly over time to create an ongoing pattern of harassment and abuse.

Who bullies?

Students who engage in bullying behaviors seem to have a need to feel powerful and in control. They appear to derive satisfaction from inflicting injury and suffering on others, seem to have little empathy for their victims, and often defend their actions by saying that their victims provoked them in some way.

Bullies often come from homes in which physical punishment is used, where striking out physically is a way to handle problems, and where parental involvement and warmth are frequently lacking.

Students who regularly display bullying behaviors are generally defiant or oppositional toward adults, antisocial, and apt to break school rules.

Bullies appear to have little anxiety and to possess strong self-esteem. There is little evidence to support the contention that bullies victimize others because they feel bad about themselves.

Chronic bullies seem to continue their behaviors into adulthood, negatively influencing their ability to develop and maintain positive relationships, and can experience legal or criminal troubles as adults.

Bystanders also play a role in bullying:

the assistant who joins the bully

the re-enforcer who encourages the bully by observing and laughing

outsiders who avoid the bullying by staying away and not getting involved for fear of losing social status or being bullied as well

If you suspect your child is bullying others, it’s important to seek help for him or her as soon as possible. Without intervention, bullying can lead to serious academic, social, emotional and legal difficulties. Talk to your child’s pediatrician, teacher, principal, school counselor, or family physician. If the bullying continues, a comprehensive evaluation by a mental health professional should be arranged. The evaluation can help you and your child understand what is causing the bullying, and help you develop a plan to stop the destructive behavior.

Who gets bullied?

Victims of bullying may be anxious, insecure, and cautious and suffer from low self-esteem, rarely defending themselves or retaliating when confronted by students who bully them. They may lack social skills and friends and thus are often already socially isolated. Victims tend to be close to their parents and may have parents who can be described as overprotective.

Victims of bullies often fear school and consider it to be an unsafe and unhappy place. Victims will often stay home ‘sick’ rather than go to school or travel on the school bus.

Victims experience real suffering that can interfere with their social and emotional development, as well as their school performance. Some victims of bullying have attempted suicide rather than continue to endure such harassment and abuse. Other victims have taken out their anger and frustration in violence. Most of the young people who have caused school-related violent deaths have been victims of bullying. Experts, pointing to such tragic events as Columbine, agree that bullying can lead to serious violence, including murder and suicide.

If you suspect your child may be the victim of bullying ask him or her to tell you what’s going on. It’s important to respond in a positive and accepting manner. Let your child know it’s not his or her fault, and that he or she did the right thing by telling you. Ask your child what he or she thinks should be done. What’s already been tried? What worked and what didn’t? Help your child practice what to say to the bully so he or she will be prepared the next time.

Other specific suggestions include the following:

Know the school policies that protect students from harassment, bullying, and physical violence. All students have the right to a safe and secure learning environment. Get copies of these policies and procedures.

Seek help from your child’s teacher, the school guidance counselor, and school administrators — and hold them accountable for following school policy. Most bullying occurs on playgrounds, in lunchrooms, and bathrooms, on school buses or in unsupervised halls. Ask the school administrators to find out about programs other schools and communities have used to help combat bullying, such as peer mediation, conflict resolution, anger management training, and increased adult supervision.

Notify the police if your child is assaulted. Get a restraining order so that the bully is required by law to have no contact with your child.

If school officials and the police do not follow policy or laws, take legal action.

If your child becomes withdrawn, depressed, reluctant to go to school, or if you see a decline in school performance, additional consultation or intervention may be required.

A mental health professional can help your child and family and the school develop a strategy to deal with the bullying. Seeking professional assistance earlier can lessen the risk of lasting emotional consequences for your child.

Why don’t young people tell adults?

Students typically feel that adult intervention is infrequent and ineffective and that telling adults will only bring more harassment from bullies.

Students are also reluctant to tell teachers or school staff as many adults view bullying as a harmless rite of passage that is best ignored unless verbal and psychological intimidation crosses the line into physical assault or theft.

What can adults do to stop the bullying?

Combating bullying is a mission that requires cooperation between everyone involved. Parents, the school, and the community must work together to stop bullying. A comprehensive intervention plan that involves all students, parents, and school staff can help ensure that all students can learn in a safe and fear-free environment.

This can include school surveys on bullying to identify the problem, awareness campaigns in schools, churches, places of worship, libraries, and recreation centers, and a school climate where bullying is not tolerated (educational programs, peer counseling, whole-school policies, classroom rules, cooperative learning activities, increased supervision during lunch and recess).

Information provided by Ron Banks, ERIC/EECE Publications, Digests EDO-PS-97-17.