Stop Making Excuses!

Do you excuse your teen’s behavior as being a result of misunderstanding, stress, influence of others, or a diagnosis such as ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxiety or a personality disorder?

Making excuses is shifting the blame onto something or someone else. No matter the diagnosis or underlying issue, by making excuses you’re giving your teen permission not to be accountable for his/her actions and allowing your teen to continue harmful and hurtful behavior.Teens need to understand that their behavior has consequences. That’s the way people learn and grow in maturity. That’s the way teens grow up.

Making excuses brings about more dysfunctional behavior such as keeping secrets, lying, covering up mistakes, and “rescuing” from consequences. The message your teen gets is not only that it’s alright to continue destructive and self-centered behavior, but that you believe he/she is incapable of making responsible choices and behaving with integrity and compassion.

The job of parents and other involved adults (e.g., family friends, extended family, teachers, youth workers) is to guide a child to adulthood, to ingrain values, to model healthy relationships, to show how to live in community, and to see new ideas, ideals, goals, and independence emerge. Give your teen understanding, support, time, and structure — not excuses.

What you can do!

Allow your teen to do what he/she is capable of doing. Stop taking over your teen’s responsibilities. Your teen must take responsibility for the problems caused by his/her choices. Be honest. Don’t ignore any lies, such as minimizing poor behavior. Speak the truth and, when you do, speak it not in anger or condemnation – speak the truth in love.

Don’t accept blame or guilt. You may have made some poor decisions, been ignorant of a situation or in denial. However, your teen owns his/her choices, attitudes, and behaviors and, ultimately, is the one who will decide to turn his/her life around.

Get support. You will benefit from the help of a counselor or life coach. Attending a support group, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA), will empower and motivate you. Learning practical strategies of maintaining and instilling boundaries will bring stability and security in the home, classroom, or treatment center.

Take care of yourself. Pay attention to — and place importance on — your feelings, wants, and needs. Eat healthy foods, spend time outdoors, and get enough sleep. Surround yourself with people who respect and like you. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You can’t help others if you’re not taking care of yourself first.