Helping Others Cope With Grief

It’s part of life.  Someone special died today.  Someone’s father or mother, husband or wife, son or daughter.  A family, a lifetime of memories and a lot of pain are left behind.  And, for the survivors, the pain is just beginning.  Working through that pain and sadness is often a long and grueling process called mourning.

Almost everyone worries about what to say to the survivors.  You don’t want to hurt their feelings or upset them.  But more important than knowing what to say is knowing how to listen.  You cannot take away the pain that friends or co-workers are suffering from the loss of a loved one, but you can listen to their stories.  Storytelling is a very common and effective way for the grieving person to keep the memory of a loved one alive.  The biggest fear for someone in mourning is that those around them will forget the loved one now that they are gone.

It is helpful to allow the survivors to “tell the story” about how their loved one died.  At first, they will recount minute details, but with each retelling, the story typically gets shorter.  Each time they tell it, it becomes part of acknowledging and accepting the reality of the death.

If the subject of death makes you uncomfortable, understand that most people feel the same way.  But realize that there is a real need for the survivor to talk.  Don’t worry about being conversational.  It is simply more important to listen.

Let those who are grieving know that you are thinking of them and of the loved one that has passed away.  Let them know that you are praying for them and their families.  A card can let someone know you are thinking of him or her.  A visit or a phone call to listen would even be a better idea.

Some people listen best over a plate of cookies, a glass of tea or milk, and some time set aside to concentrate one-on-one with the person who is grieving.  Whatever your style, by simply listening, we can help others cope with their grief.

Teens who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs:

• an extended period of depression in which the teen loses interest in daily activities and events

• inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone

• acting much younger for an extended period

• excessively imitating the dead person

• repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person

• withdrawal from friends

• sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school

• lack of concentration

• declining grades

• over-activity, acting too busy

• drug and/or alcohol use

• risk-taking behavior

• promiscuity

• self-destructive, antisocial, or criminal behavior

• suicidal thoughts

These warning signs indicate that professional help may be needed.  Child and adolescent therapists can help youth accept the death and assist the survivors in helping through the mourning process.

by Sharon Strouse, Family and Consumer Sciences, Ohio State University